911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
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Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Cardio Made Easy
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?