*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
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How is it still this week?
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?