Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
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So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Europe. Made in Germany.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
I’m listening
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……