@murrman5: [showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready

@TheToddWilliams: [breakup] Who should get the cat? "I don't know...let's see who he loves the most" {3 weeks later} Can you tell? "Nope"

@junejuly12: Wow my pants are really loose today *skips to the nearest vending machine*

@thenatewolf: Wu-Tang is my favorite 15 person rap group and reaction to a beverage.

@ppppolls: 30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion