@Vodkantots: I'd like to stab you now. Please step off my carpet and onto the tile.

@isabelzawtun: Me accepting an Oscar: and I'd like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats - STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I'M NOT FINISHED

@juliussharpe: It would suck being run over by a limo because it would take twice as long.

@jergarl: [At urinal maker store] Urinal maker: Let's make some of them curved so the pee splashes on their legs LOL. Other urinal maker: K. LOL

@GrantTanaka: me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC wife: I'm over here