Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
You Might Also Like
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Hit me in the face with a bird
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER