You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
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I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
This meal prepping shit is easy
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words