Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
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has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.