Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
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Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.