[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.