911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
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My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out