911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
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you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
This did not end as expected.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”