911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
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Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.