911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
You Might Also Like
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.