Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
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Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis