WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
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therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
I told my vodka about you.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
lol
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.