I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
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landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.