I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
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You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.