911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
You Might Also Like
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.