“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
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I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.