“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
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My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.