911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
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[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
I have obtained a hat
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u