911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
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Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Awwwww shit.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.