911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
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the dark web is just a goth google.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL