“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
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Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.