911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
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hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.