911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
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I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Pikachu found the lost joint
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.