*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
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I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS