My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
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I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
the three branches of government
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no