911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
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Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Dune (2021)
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
The 6 types of sex
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
I want to know about the Oreo incident…