COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
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Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
oh shit
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
That lamp looks PISSED.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice