Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
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I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
The answer is funnier than the question
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
I don’t know what to do
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.