@junejuly12: My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.

@ElizaBayne: Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks

@deardilettante: A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you. So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.

@R0ckG0d88: Damn girl, are you an appendix because I have no idea what you do but this weird feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.

@AimeeHelene1: *walks up to microphone during wedding reception* *taps on mic; everyone smiles* "Anyone that doesn't want their cake, pass it to me please"