@pleatedjeans: [Batman in tears] Catwoman left me Oh no what happened?! I left the door open and she just bolted

@SgtButtCheeks: Saying 'Do you want to kiss me as much as I want to kiss you?' only works in the movies and not with strangers at Sports Authority

@gwatts77: 9 yo: Hey dad, where is the rest of that ladies bikini? Me: That is actually called a G-string, son. 9: Oh, does the "G" stand for gross?

@brettminor: It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake. Even if it is no one's birthday. They don't even check.

@murrman5: [space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon] astronaut: "we should've taken our own" astronaut holding net: "just keep looking"