@pleatedjeans: [Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
@SgtButtCheeks: Saying 'Do you want to kiss me as much as I want to kiss you?' only works in the movies and not with strangers at Sports Authority
@gwatts77: 9 yo: Hey dad, where is the rest of that ladies bikini?
Me: That is actually called a G-string, son.
9: Oh, does the "G" stand for gross?
@brettminor: It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one's birthday.
They don't even check.
@murrman5: [space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: "we should've taken our own"
astronaut holding net: "just keep looking"
COMMENTS