13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
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Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Truth
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel