Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
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CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.