I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
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Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie