93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
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Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right