94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
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It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
My birthstone is kidney
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]