95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
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*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator