95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
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sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!