95% of dentists recommend teeth.
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[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”