@RichHarris2: 95% of dentists recommend teeth.
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@JessicaVarsity: I've watched three episodes of "I Shouldn't Be Alive" tonight, adding "outdoor enthusiast and survival expert" to my online dating profile.
@dubiousrhetoric: Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
@Marlebean: Him: Your body is like poetry Me: That's so nice! H: A haiku M:.. H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom M: Just stop
@CornOnTheGoblin: [goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better] "sorry, we're full" [lights myself on fire]