95% of dentists recommend teeth.
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I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
…żyje?
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
They grow up so quick
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”