@jus4golf: 95% of my tweets are the truth. The only thing I lie about are statistics.
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@TheFearBoners: 8 year old at the park said I threw like a girl. He found out I kick in the nuts like a girl too.
@daemonic3: [shark tank] "Hi, what's your product idea?" Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I'm here to see the tank of sh-... I've made a mistake
@Coolisiana: "Alright they've left for vacation lets rob em" Oh shoot their porch lights are on "So what we literally watched them leave" Rules are rules
@pizza_dragon: Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco. Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he's away on fishing weekends.