@jus4golf: 95% of my tweets are the truth. The only thing I lie about are statistics.
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@LouisPeitzman: If you can't handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don't deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don't know.
@jaslakhmna: While people argue about the glass being half empty or half full...I'll just be drinking from the bottle !
@_correctomundo: Nephew: What's love? Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink. Sister: Get away from him!
@_davidlucas_: The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.