@jus4golf: 95% of my tweets are the truth. The only thing I lie about are statistics.
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@VestaTot: My coworker just took a broom and pole vaulted over the cubicle partition to confront the woman who accused her of being on speed.
@slyoung5: Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
@AntonioFrench: Trump's foreign policy answers sound like a book report from a teenager who hasn't read the book. "Oh, the grapes! They had so much wrath!"