{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
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Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
How long do you have to wait between naps?
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high