95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
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she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
how much for the angry fruit?
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch