@KalvinMacleod: 95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
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@sarcasm_inc: [a spider watching soccer when someone kicks a ball into the net] hell yeah, now eat it
@LilMoose77: Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
@Mr_Kapowski: Me: What kind of cake for your birthday? Wife: Just something with chocolate [later, me in the kitchen melting chocolate over a crab cake]