@KalvinMacleod: 95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
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@fro_vo: Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
@shkeeber: Me: Whatcha making? Mom: Dill bread. Me: So, do you have yeast on your dill dough? Mom: Get out.
@shesananteater: One day I'm gonna go to work without my glasses and they're gonna be like, "Who's that hottie?" and I'm gonna be like, "WHO IS SAYING THAT?"
@Ristolable: [First day of prison] "Hey man. Wanna be in our gang?" Sure, I'll call you. Just give me your cell number *gets stabbed*