@jeannerbeaner: 95% of pet ownership is just saying "hello" to them in various tones.
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@Tommytoughstuff: [job interview] "So what would you say is your biggest weakness?" "I'm pretty bad at reading situations." *tries to kiss interviewer*
@AdderallMomma: "I'll be black" the potato dramatically announced moments before going into Sarah Connor's freezer -The Termintator
@TechnicallyRon: Can we stop calling it 'Breaking news' and start calling it 'bloody hell what now'
@squirrel74wkgn: [news anchor] "Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-" *wife changes channel*