95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
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People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Was it something I said?
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.