@jeannerbeaner: 95% of pet ownership is just saying "hello" to them in various tones.
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@krisv_723: *My neighbor rolls over in bed. Me: You really shouldn't sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
@leechee420: Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn't have happened if it had been a Snickers.
@comer310: Cop: A ghost killed your family? Guy: Yes! Cop: Did u forward yesterday's spooky chain email to 5 ppl? Guy: No? Cop: Well there you go.