95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
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The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Born to be mild.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys