@FrankTheDoorman: 97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
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@dtee83: Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends? Me: your mother, why? W: Stop acting like you're 12. M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
@iTomFoolery: Justin has his Beliebers. 1D have their Directioners. If I ever had fans/stalkers I’d call them Tomaskateers.
@therealeatwood: [Biker gang] ME: Do we or do we not ride our bikes at the same speed? BIKER: OK, but you need to stop saying we “synchronize our cycles.”
@living_marble: Technically, it's only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.