97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
You Might Also Like
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.