99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
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[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Was it something I said?
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.