99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
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Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
The Assassin.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
I am also baked goods
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Butt weight. There’s more!
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.