99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
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[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
this chia pet tastes awful
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Dear Lord..
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going