99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
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How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.